Mike's Porn Reviews

Atomic Vixens

Atomic Vixens (full name: Atomic Vixens: Escape From the Valley of the Sluts) is a secret agent film, with a plot that has something to do with evil madmen who have seized control of a 200 terawatt laser on the Moon and are threatening to wipe out cities unless they get women. I'm actually rather shocked that a porno movie writer knows what a terawatt is, although it's possible he just heard the term on "Star Trek" and doesn't actually know what it means. In any case, I like the idea of porn movies with cheesy James Bond plots; it seems like a good vehicle for a light-hearted framework upon which you can string a series of sex scenes. Unfortunately, whenever I see someone actually try an idea like this, it doesn't turn out very well. And I'm sorry to say that Atomic Vixens is no exception.

Story-based porn has to walk a fine line. You need to take yourself seriously enough to create a tangible story, but not so seriously that you think you're making a real movie. The model for movies like this should be Adam West's Batman. And it really shouldn't take a lot of time to create a tangible "glue" to tie together the scenes in a porno movie; look at the videogame "Halo", in which millions of people were thoroughly intrigued by a storyline that was told with tiny little one or two-minute cutscenes between battle missions.

This film pretends to have a story, but it's really just a compilation of random sex scenes that have no real connection to each other. All of the "plot" is produced by the narrator's voice-over comments, but the performers on-screen aren't doing anything that corresponds to the story. You could literally take one of the sex scenes from this movie, swap it for a sex scene from another movie, and it would work just as well within the story.

Take the first scene for example: the narrator explains that the female secret agents' only lead on the evil supervillains is a rumour that there's a double-agent in the organization. She must be found ... so we cut to a scene of two lesbians making out in a sushi restaurant. Huh? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? After this, we're told that the double-agent cracked and gave up the location of the evil villain's base (don't ask me how that happened). OK, now we're going to see some cheesy faux-007 action, right? Wrong; the narrator says that the super-agent "White Queen" has infiltrated the base and is preparing to broadcast the evil villain's secrets and foil his plans ... so we switch to a solo masturbation scene. Once again, what the fuck? If you're going to advertise a movie as a story-based porn, the action on the screen should have something to do with the story, shouldn't it? What idiot would write a story where a female secret agent is supposed to infiltrate the villain's lair and steal his secrets, and then depict this as a solo masturbation scene in an art deco room? Fuck, they couldn't even bother making the room look like it was part of a secret base! Where's the scene where she figures out a way to get into the base? Where's the scene where she finds the information? How the fuck does "secret agent infiltrates enemy base" in the script end up as "solo masturbation scene on a couch"?

Look, I understand that porno movies are not like real movies, but this is downright ridiculous. Not only do I find solo masturbation scenes boring as hell, but it's just an insult to the viewer to pick up a movie which bills itself on the box as a story-based porn, only to find that it's nothing more than a compilation of random slow-moving sex scenes set to bad music. None of the performers even appear in more than one scene! How can anyone seriously believe that these scenes are tied together into a cohesive story when you never even see the same person in two scenes?

So now we're more than 40 minutes into the film. We've seen two boring, slow-moving scenes set to loud, annoying music that have absolutely nothing to do with the story. Does the movie pick up? Well it should; the narrator now says that two Fembots are being sent to gain control over the moon base. That's got to involve some hilariously cheesy action scenes and maybe a guard or two who gets bribed by the fembots' feminine wiles, right? Wrong. Instead, we see another lesbo scene, which makes no sense based on what the narrator just said. And yes, once again it's slow-moving and set to annoying music.

OK, we're now more than an hour into the movie, and I'm bored of being bored. What next? According to the narrator, the fembots have failed (no wonder; they spent the whole time diddling each other instead of accomplishing anything). So now another member of the team is going to try to plant a bug on the car of a known member of the evil villain organization. In order to do that, she's obviously going to have to distract him, and in Porno World, that means sex. At least this scene has some plausible connection to the story, and it actually involves real sex. Don't get me wrong, I understand that lesbian sex is considered real sex by a lot of people, but as far as I'm concerned, licking and cunnilingus and dildo play is the sort of stuff you do before the real sex starts. Anyway, this is the first scene in the movie that doesn't put me to sleep, so that's a good thing. It's not a particularly great scene, especially when you consider the irritating music and the artsy direction, but after the three stinkers that filled up the first hour of the film, it was a welcome change.

So now what? Well, according to the narrator, she planted the bug successfully, so they were able to track the villain down to his lair. So we go to the next scene, which is ... a girl masturbating in the bathtub. Aaarrggghhhh!! It's bad enough that they string together scenes that have nothing to do with anything, it's bad enough that the narrator insults our intelligence by pretending they have something to do with a story, but why oh why do they have to include these goddamned solo masturbation scenes? I can understand asking a woman to masturbate in front of you; that's a live performance and you're probably figuring on getting some afterwards. But watching it on video? No thanks, especially with the shitty music.

All right, this movie is now creaking toward its finale, and according to the narrator, yet another secret agent has infiltrated the enemy lair, but she's been taken prisoner and brought to the Evil Villain himself! Will we see an interrogation scene that eventually leads to sex? Of course not; the scene starts with the two of them having sex, and could have easily been ripped out of any other porno movie made over the last 20 years for all the connection it has to any of the other scenes in this film.

So how does the movie end? Take a wild guess; the scene begins and ends with no connection to anything, and then the narrator tells us that she defeated him and destroyed the moonbase. Wow, thanks.

Final tally: four shitty scenes and two mediocre ones, all set to bad music and a story that makes absolutely no sense and has no connection to what we're seeing on the screen. Conclusion: this film sucks.

Rating: 1/5
Anal/DP: no
Choking/slapping/abuse: none
Running time: 2 hours, 8 minutes
Video quality: good
Studio: VCA Pictures
Producer: Octavio Arizala and Ron Royster
Director: Ron Royster and Winkytiki

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