Mike's Porn Reviews

Bachelorette Bang

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updated: 2008-04-04

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Site last updated:
2008-03-25

When I saw the box for "Bachelorette Bang", I thought this might be really cool. Instead of a bachelor party video, this would be a bachelorette party video, so the women would be in charge and the men would be the objects. Could be good to watch with Rebecca, right?

Wrong. The video is pure misogynist garbage, about as arousing as fucking eyeball surgery videos. Worse yet, there is no bachelorette party at all in the video! You'd think that a video called "Bachelorette Bang" might actually have at least two fucking seconds of video showing the bachelorette party, right? Well guess again, folks. This video does not even hint at a bachelorette party.

In the first scene, a bunch of guys are shooting pool and playing loud music when Taryn Thomas (apparently the bride-to-be, on the night before her wedding) storms in and tells them to stop making so much noise so she can get some sleep. They promptly grab her and subject her (and the viewing audience) to ten minutes of choking, gagging, drooling, snot/spittle running down the face skull-fucking action. I couldn't stand her gagging and choking sounds any more, and by the time they finally got to the fucking, I was so grossed out that I could barely stand to continue. All I can think is that the people who make videos like this must not like women, because they sure as hell don't act like it.

Scene 1 Scene 1 Scene 1

The second scene stars Cindy Crawford (you'd think she could have chosen a more original stage name rather than copying the name of a model) and is actually better, but the disc starts off on such a horrible note that it would take a great scene to save it at this point, and this scene is, at best, mediocre. A new bride is about to have sex with her husband when he tells her that he has 4 friends waiting outside. She smiles and has no problem with this at all, which is pretty cheesy but hey, this is porn. While this scene is much lighter on the skull-fucking and gagging, there's still some choking and the same general "we don't like women" attitude. And take a look at the rogue's gallery of men that come into the room, particularly the guy on the left who looks like a damned serial killer. Can you imagine a girl smiling when her husband invites this fucking guy into the room to have sex with her?

Scene 2 Scene 2 Scene 2

Honestly, who the fuck makes videos like this? Why call it a "bachelorette bang" if there's no bachelorette party and the women in the video are treated like shit? This is the kind of video that puritanical religious folk are thinking of when try to argue that pornography should be banned, and if it was the only kind of porn I ever saw, I think I might almost be inclined to agree with them.

Rating: 1/5
Anal/DP: yes
Choking/slapping/abuse: heavy
Running time: 1 hour, 37 minutes
Video quality: good
Studio: Vertigo
Producer: N/A
Director: N/A

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