Mike's Porn Reviews

Erection Services

Tell me, how would you go about making a great porno movie which is oriented toward the female market? Well obviously, you would try to get some decent-looking guys, because women like good-looking guys. So you'd get Julian, Chris Cannon, and Alex Sanders (well OK, that's 1½ out of 3). Then, you would create some barely plausible reason for those guys to be getting together with the girls, because for a girl, she has to believe in the attraction between two people onscreen. How about a male escort service? Easy and quick. And then you would get a director whose name sounds like he's a fashion designer or something: Giovanni.

And how do you get to the payoff for our lovely but traditionally under-appreciated female porno customers? Well for one thing, you would try to use artistic photography, and you would show off the bodies of the well-muscled stars (or at least, you'd show off the body of Julian, who's the only well-muscled one in this group; Chris Cannon looks ordinary and Alex Sander has man-boobs). And then you'd set it to some well-done music, because women like well-produced porno.

Oh, wait! I've got an even better idea! Instead of romantic music, you could use a horrible looping synthesizer techno-dance sound track that drowns out the sound of the performers and repeats itself every 30 seconds! Yes, that's brilliant! And don't even use real techno-dance music; just make up something on your computer. Nobody will notice.

You see, the producers of this film obviously figured that if you just showed the audience repeated shots of Julian's tattooed body, females would swoon over him and love the movie despite the fact that it has one of the most annoying soundtracks in all of history. Imagine listening to the same 30 seconds of shitty synthesizer music, so loud that you can't hear the performers, over and over for the entire length of a 20 minute scene.

Were the sex scenes good? To be honest, I could barely tell. I was driven into such a rage by the infuriating endless 30-second synthesizer music loop that I was fantasizing about inflicting grievous bodily harm on the producers. But I did notice that the actual sex was extremely low-energy. In order to be more sensual or erotic or something, the directors chose to have everyone moving slowly, thrusting slowly, etc. I guess that makes everything look more artistic. But as my wife pointed out, women like to receive a good hard fuck just as much as men enjoy giving one. And boring-ass slow-moving sex scenes set to loud shitty droning synthesizer music don't do much of anything for viewers of either gender.

And here's Alex Sanders, with his open shirt and cool sunglasses. The producers seem to think that he's a great-looking guy. My wife thinks otherwise.

And now that the producers realize that they have only one really good-looking guy in this movie, the scene switches back to Julian. Oooh, now it's candlelight and a sensual massage. That's hot, right? The chicks will go wild when they see this, right? Nope. They'll be trying to poke out their own eardrums in order to stop the goddamned music, just like you. This is one of the only porn films I've ever seen where I actually said "Arrrgghhh I can't take this any more" and shut it off, in order to stop the pain.

Here's a hint the producers of this film: if my wife is any indication, keep Julian. Keep the candles and the sensual massage. But let the performers move like they're actually excited to be doing this, and seriously, shoot whoever made the music for this movie. Music may not make a porno memorable on its own, but it can make a porn film unwatchable. And this film is totally unwatchable. Congratulations to the producers. They've made the first porno film I've ever seen which managed to be blood-curdlingly infuriating without any offensive misogynist content whatsoever. Giovanni, you may know your lighting but you've got to understand that people are supposed to be excited when having sex, and that silence would be better than that abomination of a soundtrack that you used.

Rating: 0/5
Anal/DP: yes
Choking/slapping/abuse: none
Running time: 1 hour, 14 minutes
Video quality: good
Studio: InPulse Pictures
Producer: Nina Lennox
Director: Giovanni

Next review

Previous review

Back to index

This website is owned and maintained by Michael Wong.
All original content is © copyrighted by Michael Wong.