Mike's Porn Reviews

Private Pearls 2005

This sounds like a good idea: take the best scenes from Private movies in any given year and make a compilation of them. Can't lose, right?

Our first scene is "Speed Lakers", starring Stacy Silver. She and two male friends are riding around in a speedboat somewhere in the Mediterranean on a warm summer day (something that looks pretty damned appealing right now, in the midst of a record-setting series of Canadian snowfalls). Stacy herself is a blonde with really obvious fake tits: these are so common in porn that it often takes a while for their presence to register: you can get five minutes into a scene before you say to yourself: "Hey, her tits defy gravity!"

Anyway, they pull into some kind of cove and Stacy starts to oil herself up: an act which will inevitably lead to a two-on-one sex scene. Mind you, the producers felt that this scene was somehow not sufficiently self-explanatory, so they had a narrative voice-over explaining it for us. I have to wonder: do they think we're fucking retards? Anyway, once they start feeling her up, they spend roughly 5 minutes on foreplay before getting down to business. The sex is well done, and in classic Private style, maintains couples-style cinematography while taking our performers through vaginal, anal, and then DP sex. A fine scene.

Our second scene is "Ghost Bangers", starring Tera Bond. I don't know what this scene has to do with ghosts, but judging by the presence of a straight man wearing ruffles and knee-length white stockings, it must take place in the Victorian era or thereabouts. As usual, the annoying voice-over narrator feels that she has to explain the scene for us even though it's ridiculously obvious: the master of the house sees the maid cleaning up and decides he'd like some of that. What follows is a pretty boring sex scene by Private standards: nobody comes in and interrupts them, nothing unusual happens, and all they do is progress through a few standard vaginal-sex positions before the pop shot. This scene ends up being mediocre despite the very nice period sets and costumes.

Our third scene is "Sex Chase in Graffiti Land", starring Tiffany Hopkins. This is some kind of secret agent movie spoof, although it also employs visual cues from "The Matrix": long black trench coats and sunglasses in dirty urban environments. Mind you, the setup seems totally pointless since all we see is these two stylishly dressed people walking around in a burned out graffiti-covered building, seeing each other, and then immediately stripping down for a sex scene. It's very professionally done, as is always the case for work done by this studio, with good camera work and lighting. Tiffany takes it up the ass, but nothing unusual or interesting happens during the scene. Once again, the scene is rather mediocre, but it looks great. The male performer is also a fine specimen for the ladies to look at, with a very good muscular build. He actually looks the part, unlike Tiffany who is much too cute to look like a secret agent or even a Bond girl (Bond girls are usually more statuesque than cute).

Viewer's tip: don't look too closely at the gun Tiffany is toting around at the beginning of the scene, or you'll notice that it's obviously a child's toy. You'd think they could have at least drilled out the barrel cap. Also, note that this scene is pretty short: only about 13 minutes long.

Our fourth scene is "Eurobabes Take It To The Extreme", starring Simony Diamond. This is a simple gonzo scene: the girl starts the scene standing in front of a couch, and then two guys walk in from off-screen to give her a good fucking. That's a little weak for a studio that normally prides itself on a level of creativity that exceeds the norm in the porn industry, especially when you consider that gonzo films normally try to sell themselves on the basis of sheer raunch or energy level, and this scene has only average amounts of either quality. There's some DP, but there's also plenty of A2M, which is not really a positive and which Rebecca finds to be a real turn-off (she only tolerates A2M when the girl is a cock-crazy nymphomaniac who seems to hungrily gobble up any man she sees, like Sandra Romain or Arianna Jolee). I'd have to give a thumbs-down to this one. Everything it does, other movies have done quite a bit better for one reason or another. It's too bad, because it's one of the longer scenes on this disc: twenty minutes. Having said that, Simony Diamond does a good job and really takes it up the ass well. Keep an eye out for her other performances.

Our fifth scene is "Helicopter Jogging", starring Lucy Lee. It seems that Lucy is a sightseer taking in a helicopter tour. After debarking from the helicopter in some sort of scenic hilly countryside area, she does a bit of hiking in her short black shorts until she runs into a couple of male friends who apparently make a habit of meeting her out here. They obviously aren't meeting for conversation, and it's not too long before Lucy's mouth, pussy, and ass are filled with cock. The scene is quite well done, and the performers look about as natural as anyone can look when trying to have sex while standing on rocks. Scenes like this look good, but you just know it was more work than fun with those funky positions and uncomfortable settings. At roughly 15 minutes, its length is a bit on the short side.

Our sixth scene is "Enjoy the Abyss", starring Angel Dark and Liliane Tiger. It looks like it was made for the "kink" demographic, with some mild B&D themes thrown in before the action starts. There's no serious B&D in this scene, which is just as well because I don't really get the appeal of B&D at all. After a bit of foreplay, the guy goes straight to Angel's ass and gives her a thorough reaming (no vaginal sex for Angel!) in various positions before moving to Liliane and giving her the same ass-drilling treatment. As with scene four, there's nothing I can point to which is really terribly wrong with this scene, but there's absolutely nothing special about it either, other than the fact that the girls take an all-anal drilling with no vaginal at all (and that's not really much of a selling point). Thumbs down.

Our seventh scene is "Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island", starring Silvia Saint, Lucy Love, and Evelyn. It takes place during the Robinson Crusoe era (obviously), but the period set and clothing is completely wasted because there's no setup at all. Robinson Crusoe is simply standing there watching some girls make out while he gets his dick sucked. If this scene came from a movie where there was more of a setup, perhaps they should have included some of that setup on this compilation, because this scene is totally generic as it stands. Worse yet, there's no real sex (to me, "sex" means that someone's penis goes into someone else's vagina and/or ass). Robinson Crusoe just stands there getting his dick sucked for the whole scene while watching the two girls make out. So, once more, despite excellent production values and attractive performers, I have to give a thumbs down to this scene.

Our eighth scene is "Cum On My Face", starring Suzy Karina. It's an all-blowjob scene. *yawn* Time to skip to the next chapter.

Scene 9 is "Puerto Rican Affairs", starring Angel Dark. This scene starts quite simply with Angel walking on the beach with two men. They proceed to have sex on the beach, and progress through the usual motions with foreplay, vaginal, anal, and DP sex. As usual with Private scenes, it's well-done, but it's generic. It's also short: the whole damned scene is maybe ten minutes long. Not bad, but not worth much either.

Our tenth scene is "Private Chateau", starring Mya Diamond. It seems that if you give her a glass of wine, she'll grant any sexual favours you want. If all real women were like this, there would be a lot fewer unhappy men in the world! Anyway, they are interrupted in the midst of the sex act by an older man. She asks her lover "you're not thinking of sharing me, are you?" but of course, we know he is, and we know that she will acquiesce to anything, so it becomes a two-on-one scene. Of course, that means we're going to see a DP before too long, and Mya seems to enjoy her DP quite a bit. Eventually a second intruder walks in on them, but this time it's the young guy's girlfriend. She gets angry and storms out, but none of the three participants even seem to notice. I have to say I wanted to like this one, but the whole damned thing was only ten minutes long! I don't know whether the scenes in this compilation were originally short or if they've been edited for running time, but it's annoying. Ten minutes is not long enough for a quality sex scene.

Our eleventh scene is "Fantom Seducer 2", starring Sarah Blue. For some reason, she's standing in the forest with no clothes on, and she is accosted by some mysterious guy wearing a black mask and a long trench coat. I suppose he must be the Phantom, especially given his distorted voice. She keeps telling him that she has injured herself although there's not a mark on her, and that she needs him to massage various parts of her body. Methinks we know why she's out in the forest with no clothes on, and it wasn't for the fresh air. Anyway, Mr. Phantom strips off his clothes and mask, thus losing all of his mystique, and the scene begins in earnest with the usual progression of foreplay to vaginal to anal sex. This is another short scene, lasting only about ten minutes.

Our twelfth scene is "Tenerife", starring Alicia Rhodes. She's apparently interviewing three men to take care of a villa, and she wants them to take care of her too. Her weight varies from movie to movie, and she's on the heavy side in this particular scene. But she's an engaged and enthusiastic performer, and she takes everything they can throw at her with aplomb, including the inevitable DP. At roughly 15 minutes, this scene is a little short.

All in all, this movie is rather disappointing. They put twelve scenes on it, but they were either too short to begin with or they were cut down to fit on this disc. Either way, the problem I have with this movie is that the scenes are all too short: many of them hover right around the ten minute mark, while the rest clock in at barely 15 minutes. The longest scene on the disc is actually the first one, which is the best scene on the disc as well. I figured that you couldn't go wrong with a Private "best of the year" disc, but apparently, you can.

Rating: 2/5
Anal/DP: yes
Choking/slapping/abuse: minimal
Running time: 2 hours, 58 minutes
Video quality: good
Studio: Private Video
Producer: Various
Director: Various

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