Mike's Porn Reviews

Tailgunners

Tailgunners is one of those slickly produced plot-driven pornos that porn reviewers gush over breathlessly. Naturally, it stars Evan Stone (I honestly don't know what the fuck these producers would do without that guy), and they went all-out, with real sets (where they could afford them) and original music etc. It's even something of a porn epic, if you can believe it, with a running time worthy of a Peter Jackson film: 3 hours and 17 minutes. And it's a period piece, taking place in 1944.

The film begins with Evan Stone playing a daring American spy named Jack Stonehead, who is taking pictures of what are really obviously small model airplanes on a miniature airfield (it would have looked better if they tried to added digital film grain). Not that I find the cheap production values to be a major detriment; I wouldn't seriously expect Hollywood production values in a porno movie, and period pieces are notoriously expensive to produce. In any case, he works for A.S.S., which is the American Secret Service. The basic plot is that the Axis has developed nuclear weapons ahead of the Americans, and secret agents will have to stop them. It goes without saying that this is not exactly an historically accurate docudrama, and all of this is explained when we switch from Evan Stone to Randy Spears, who plays Senator Chandler: a US Senator being briefed at A.S.S. headquarters.

After this opening exposition scene, we see Senator Chandler meeting his mistress Marilyn Steinberg (played by Flower Tucci) for a sexual tryst. The following sex scene begins with a somewhat overly long blowjob and then progresses to some fairly conventional sex, including vaginal and anal with Flower Tucci's trademark "furiously fingering herself till she squirts while getting fucked up the ass" trick. Not a bad sex scene to start the movie off with.

From here we move to the White House, where the wheelchair-bound but still lecherous President is holding a press conference and photo-op to show off two of the female agents of A.S.S. (don't worry, we won't be forced to watch an elderly wheelchair sex scene; he just gropes them). The fact that he's in a wheelchair is obviously meant to be reminiscent of FDR, but the choice of a nubile Kylie Ireland to play Eleanor Roosevelt is rather odd. In any case, we now get to watch Kylie sucking off a black guy's dick through a glory hole. As it turns out, this scene is just a teaser, and serves only as exposition for a subplot in which the First Lady tries to get the President to approve the idea of female pilots in the US Air Force. She never does get fucked in this scene, so it's a pretty big disappointment.

Elsewhere in the White House, the two hot A.S.S. agents from the photo-op (played by Harmony and Vanessa Lane) are getting busy with the photographer. All he has to say is "You ever have any action in the White House?" and they start taking off their clothes. I guess the 1940s was a lot more sexually liberated than I thought! In any case, the foreplay takes quite a while and his assistant eventually gets into the act too, so we have a 2-on-2 sex scene going. Once the anal sex starts, you know there's going to be some DP later on, but ... no. For some reason, they show "ass to mouth", but no DP. I can't imagine why, because A2M is infinitely more raunchy (and downright disgusting, to be honest). The film even has some blowjob gagging: another annoying trend of recent porn which I could do without. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. Another OK scene. Not great, just OK.

At this point the film goes into storytelling mode again. We meet Tracy Hogan (Austyn Moore), a girl who wants to be a fighter pilot (obviously, this whole "women have the right to fly" subplot is going to be fairly prominent as the film goes on). Her mother tries and fails to talk her out of it, and she intends to interview with the US Air Force in an attempt to fly warplanes. The senior Mrs. Hogan is played by Veronica Hart (probably the single most beautiful pornstar of the 1970s), who has avoided plastic surgery and looks very natural, albeit very much like the 50 year old woman that she is. She's well past her prime and isn't doing sex scenes any more, but it's interesting to see that she's still working in the industry in some capacity.

In any case, that scene is pure exposition so we move on to find that the Germans are on the verge of developing in-flight refueling technology which will allow them to bomb the Continental United States. We switch to a German Flying Wing bomber which is about to test the technique by meeting up with a tanker. In a surprising move, they actually have the Luftwaffe air crew speaking in German with English subtitles, which is a nice touch. And of course, no in-flight refueling scene in a porno movie could ever be complete without sexual innuendo, so the in-flight refueling tube looks like a penis. Ha ha, bet you couldn't see that coming from a mile away. Once they make the hookup, the pilot puts the plane on autopilot and proceeds to get a blowjob from Ana Nova, who's the only female member of the crew (I guess the Luftwaffe is more open-minded than the US Air Force in this movie). After sucking him off for a while, she moves to another part of the plane where she finds John West. His steroid use doesn't seem to affect his ability to hoist an erection, as he fills her mouth for a while before sticking it in her pussy. After getting her pussy drilled, she goes back to the pilot and sucks his cock a little more, before returning to John West so he can fuck her again, this time stretching her ass too. She goes back and sucks off the pilot once more until he comes in her mouth, and then goes back to John West a third time so that he can fuck her ass to satisfaction. At one point she actually cries out in German: "Tailgun my ass!" This scene scores extra points for originality and creativity, and is one of the standouts of the movie for that reason.

Time to return to the "women want the right to fly for the US Air Force" subplot: Tracy Hogan is getting a chance to show what she can do, by competing against three men to see who can endure the longest in a low-pressure chamber. Naturally, she wins easily, and in an attempt to impress the interviewers, she has sex with all three of them. Once again, we see a long, rather elaborate setup, but this time the sex itself is rather tame, despite being a 3-on-1 scene. Not only is the foreplay excessive, but the sex itself is rather pedestrian and unimaginative.

Whew! One and a half hours into the film, and it's not even half over! The movie goes back to France at this point, where we find Agent Stonehead being caught and arrested while photographing another model Nazi airfield. Naturally, he is interrogated by two female Nazis (Katja Kassin and Lexi Lamour), and before they torture or execute him, he has a final request: a blowjob. They give him one, but it is interrupted when a top Nazi interrogator shows up. Her name is "Red Devil" (played by Carmen Luvana), and of course, she's hotter than the inside of a barbecue. She threatens to cut off Agent Stonehead's penis and even runs a knife around his member in a scene guaranteed to strike sympathetic fear into male audiences, but then decides to have sex with him instead. The sex scene is unimaginative but well-done. At the end, she tastes his cum and declares that "He is an American spy!" Apparently, she can actually determine someone's occupation and place of origin from the taste of his cum. Quite a talented girl. Anyway, she has him executed on the spot, by suffocation with pussy. I suppose there are worse ways to go.

From here we go back to the US, where the First Lady is trying to convince some senior advisors to recommend to her husband that female pilots be allowed to fly for the US Air Force. When verbal persuasion fails, she has sex with them. When one looks at real-life First Ladies, sex is not typically the first thought that comes to mind, but if they looked like Kylie Ireland, that might change! In any case, good ol' Kylie delivers the goods, as well as the film's first DP. It's about time, and she does a good job of it. She's always been one of the better performers in porn, and she does not disappoint here, particularly when the DP begins and she squeals with delight. One of the film's better scenes.

She must have made quite the impression on the President's advisors, because the next scene starts with him approving women in the US Air Force. Meanwhile, back at A.S.S. headquarters, Senator Chandler's girlfriend is masturbating while thinking about how to beat the Nazis; a rather odd (but thankfully brief) interlude which goes nowhere. From here we jump to A.S.S. Headquarters, where we are introduced to Sparks Burden, a black A.S.S. agent who's played by Lexington Steele. Three blonde A.S.S. analysts talk about how they'd like to have sex with him, but strangely, that doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Instead, we suddenly cut to a training base where Tracy Hogan and some other trainees (Roxette and Annika) are being instructed by Richard Rockwell, played by Tony Tedeschi. Apparently, he's not particularly keen on the idea of women being in the armed forces. Tracy gets a call to go to Washington DC for a special mission, but the other girls stick around and show Mr. Rockwell the error of his ways. One of them does all the work and takes Mr. Tedeschi's flagpole up her ass for a thorough reaming. This is a pretty good scene.

Meanwhile, Tracy has just gotten her first mission: she can speak German, so she is to infiltrate a Luftwaffe base. She parachutes in, eliminates a guard, and quickly finds herself tied up and at the mercy of "Red Devil". Luckily, "Red Devil" doesn't know she's a spy, so what follows is a basic lesbian sex scene. I've never been a big fan of veggie action so I consider this to be fast-forward time, especially since they don't do anything unusual.

Back at A.S.S. Headquarters, they haven't gotten word from Tracy in two weeks and they're about to give up on her, but Sparks (Lexington Steele) shows up and delivers a message indicating that she's alive. The two blonde analysts (Kylie Worthy and Mia Bangg) who receive this message are overjoyed, and quickly start grabbing at his cock. They start sucking him off, and the action moves along quickly until one of them is brave enough to take his over-sized member up her ass. This scene is pretty good, but the film is fast approaching 3 hours by now, and I can't imagine that anyone would have actually sat through the entire film up to this point.

From here we go to the Luftwaffe's experimental trans-continental bomber, on which "Red Devil" is a passenger along with Tracy Hogan and a radioactive "dirty bomb" that they plan to drop on New York City. Naturally, Tracy is stupid enough to speak in English when she thinks no one is listening, and "Red Devil" catches her. A bit of trash-talk ensues, and Tracy ends up defeating her and kicking her out of the plane, whereupon we are treated to a hilariously cheesy special-effects scene of a Barbie doll falling out of a model airplane. From here she goes to the cockpit and has sex with the pilot. Unfortunately, her sex scenes are always a bit tame and this one is no exception, but it's fairly well-done nonetheless.

After he spooges all over her, she ties up the pilot at gunpoint, puts the plane on autopilot, and then goes to the tailgunner position to blow up their German fighter escort with some cheesy special effects (but not as cheesy as the Barbie doll). Hail the conquering heroine ... or something.

All in all, it's a pretty well-done movie, but it's also the answer to a question nobody asked. Who out there really wanted a lavish 3 hour porno epic with enough budget to look like a low-grade soap opera? I have a hard enough time sitting through mainstream movies that drag on for three hours (truth be told, I never saw a three hour movie that I didn't think could benefit from the editor's knife). Why would I sit through a 3 hour porno? Well, what can I say: I did it once, which was enough to write this review. And that was enough; I have to give the film points for effort, and every sex scene was professionally done. But at the end of the day, despite its positives, it's just not a film that my wife and I are going to pop into the DVD player when we feel like getting funky. It may be shorter than a 4-hour compilation, but a 4-hour compilation is not meant to be watched all the way through; it is intended to be a collection of 20-30 minute long standalone sex scenes, and there is very little "downtime" between scenes. This film has plenty of downtime between sex scenes, and despite the occasional joke, it still takes itself much too seriously.

Rating: 3/5
Anal/DP: yes
Choking/slapping/abuse: none
Running time: 3 hours, 17 minutes
Video quality: very good (but the DVD was not anamorphic)
Studio: Adam and Eve Pictures
Producer: Nick Orleans
Director: Nick Orleans

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