Mike's Porn Reviews

Wicked Weapon

Wicked Weapon, starring Jenna Jameson, is a super-heroine story and it's also a fine example of what's wrong with Wicked Pictures in general. They have loads of money, plenty of big-name contract stars, and yet they still churn out pompous, inert feature films like this.

First of all, the film takes itself seriously. That's a mistake; pornographers should realize two things about their craft:

Second, the film is just not very well done. As is often the case with poorly made "story-based" porn, the sex scenes don't flow naturally out of the story. Instead, they just tack them on here and there, and if that's not bad enough, the directing is poor. The movie opens up with Jenna Jameson's super-heroine character bemoaning the death of her lover one year ago and then stomping into the police station where she bickers angrily with the police officers and detectives. This really sets the tone for the movie; it thinks it's a real movie and it really isn't. It's a movie about a fucking fake-boobed blonde super-heroine, you morons! How could you make a story like this take itself seriously? Do you really think Jenna Jameson can look tough? Ooooh, we use dark lighting and ominous music so it's really dramatic!

Anyway, after the oh-so-tense confrontation between Jenna Jameson and one of the cops, we move to the first sex scene, which involves two of the cops nailing a prostitute that they brought in for solicitation. It's got some of the makings of a good scene despite the incredibly perfunctory setup and irrelevance to the story, but the annoying music drowns out a lot of the performer sounds (a common problem in porn movies which try to be taken seriously) and the directing is incompetent, alternating between long close-ups and obscured whole-body shots which are probably meant to look artistic.

From here we move onto some "plot" developments that are utterly unforgettable: something about Jenna Jameson's character having to catch an evil villainess played by Laure Sinclair, and doing a really bad impression of James Bond in the process. Some gratuitous sex scenes follow, with the same terrible overpowering synthesizer music and poor direction. First she has sex with somebody at the party, then she gets invited to an orgy where Laure Sinclair's character is present.

After this the police are angry at her for reasons which are totally incomprehensible, so they send a guy to watch her apartment and she ends up getting away while he's having sex with a passing hooker. You know, these setups could be funny if only the movie didn't take itself so damned seriously, and these scenes could be good if there was only a competent director. Poorly lit, poorly directed sex scenes with infuriatingly intrusive music and barely audible performers are not my idea of a good time. Even the video quality is poor.

Anyway, now we cut to Laure Sinclair having sex with her henchmen. It must be nice to be a criminal working for Laure Sinclair! Anyway, Jenna shows up and beats everyone up, then runs off to cry about her boyfriend dying a year ago before Jill Kelly shows up to have lesbo sex with her. Yes, that's seriously what happens in the movie at this point. Honestly, you're much better off with a pure gonzo no-plot film than this tripe. At least a gonzo porn has no annoying pretensions of grandeur, and the sex scenes are of higher quality.

Do you even care what's happening in the story? Should I bother? Blah blah blah, a bunch of stuff that makes no sense, blah blah blah, a blowjob scene, Laure Sinclair having sex with her henchmen again, blah blah blah, a big action showdown at the end, yippee.

Wake me up when Wicked Pictures starts making films that don't suck. Incidentally, this film is one of the reasons I have lost patience with other on-line porn reviewers; most of them rave about the movie. Did they even see the same fucking film? If you made a gonzo porno movie with the sex scenes in this film strung together, they'd lambast it for its poor video quality, intrusive music, muddy and indistinct audio, and incompetent direction. But instead, because it has pretensions of being a real movie, they trip over themselves trying to tell you what a fantastic achievement it is.

Rating: 1/5
Anal/DP: yes
Choking/slapping/abuse: none
Running time: 1 hour, 39 minutes
Video quality: poor
Studio: Wicked
Producer: Brad Armstrong
Director: Brad Armstrong

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